Lockdown made me fat but I still love myself
Updated: Jul 23, 2021
So I'm in tears because I've just finished trying on 16 Indian outfits which I dug out from the bottom of my wardrobe for a wedding reception in 2 days time and found that out of all the outfits I tried on, only 1 fit me (just about). I guess that's the one I'm going wear!...So now, I'm crying my eyes out because I'm literally punishing myself. Even though I know that my outfits are made to measure, so obviously if I put on a bit of weight then they are not going to fit, that little voice in my head is going wild with criticisms and self-sabotaging comments. Using words like "fat," "ugly," and "unsexy."
I mean, a bit harsh right?
It gets worse...So my best friend is getting married in 3 weeks and instead of being swept up in the excitement of it all, I'm super self conscious. I'm worried that I will look massive in the dress. Especially when the other two brides maids are tall, thin and beautiful. I feel like an Oompa Loompa compared to them!
I know that's not the way I'm supposed to feel because I am beautiful in my own right but sometimes, when battling with my insecurities, my insecure self wins.
And I'm not the only one! The majority of us have put on weight in the last 18 months, and we are torturing ourselves over it.
Why do we do this to ourselves? Put ourselves down at the slightest bit of imperfection? Yes, I have a belly, yes I have bigger boobs, my thighs have expanded as well as the tops of my arms...and whilst I'm looking, my fingers are looking a little chubbier too...But is it really the end of the world?
Thing is, we have just been through a global pandemic. We were not allowed to leave our homes except for necessary shopping trips and 1 daily outdoor exercise session, leaving little room for actually burning off the calories we were consuming. We were all sat at home, eating the glutenous food we stockpiled (pasta and flour), drinking alcohol and binge watching the Tiger King on Netflix. Because there was NOTHING else to do - literally. Not only this, the world was in a perpetual state of panic and anxiety so we were looking for ways to feel better - what makes you feel good better than wine, cake and Tiger King? We wore baggy unflattering T-shirts the majority of the time, we didn't wear makeup for months and I don't know about you but I have literally only just started wearing a bra again...No wonder why we don't feel like ourselves!
And now we want to give ourselves a hard time? Now we want to punish ourselves for not having the body we used to have? And so we stop eating and start powering through exercise because we must have flat stomachs tomorrow! And God forbid us not having flat stomachs tomorrow because we'll torture ourselves again if we don't!
As much as anyone, I want my slim physique back. I want to be able fit into my clothes again and not have to wear anti chaffing shorts all the time (especially in this weather!), I want to be able to sit on a zoom call without staring at how big my arms look. I want to be able to look into a mirror without complete self-loathing. But I know it won't happen over night. I know it's a process and it will take months to return to my usual weight (or maybe even slimmer!) - and that's OK.
Right now, more than ever, we need to show ourselves compassion. We have all had a rough time over the past year and a half. Let's go easy on ourselves and come out of this with a bit more care and understanding. Let's not compare ourselves to others and their progress and their bodies. Let's be kind to ourselves.
So, I pledge to love myself even though lockdown made me fat:
I will be kind to myself.
I will continue to find beauty within myself.
I will do anything my body and energy allows to help myself get to my desired weight.
I will not even look into a full sized mirror and will close my view of any video call to stop the automatic self-loathing.
I will stop focussing on my current weight and put all my focus on my progress and my goal weight.
I will only think good thoughts.
I will show myself compassion and understanding.
And I will take my sweet time because I am beautiful no matter what I think I look like.
Lots of Love,